a smile.

You smile at me today, but i simply ignored. I’m not being mean or whatever, but I thought I just want to remain truthful to myself. After all, you girls dont like me, went around telling people stories about me, I’m not angry about it since you all thought that I’m a betrayal to you all. It’s fine with me, cause i thought I was the one to cause the whole thing and caused you girls to hate me, but please, dont give me fake smiles, I have no idea how to handle those smiles, to smile back or what, today I just choose to ignore and I felt that as if i gave you girls feeling that i hate you all too. No, i don’t, so if you don’t feel any different from three weeks ago, then please continue to ignore me, and I will be happier. I dont wish you girls to smile at people that you girls hate and suffered by gossiping. I will just have to say, i will try to avoid you all and I really have no negative feelings toward you all, seriously.

Jeffrey’s lesson today

Today I have two pop tests on two modules that we just been through. Tough is the word I can say, but I saw myself able to answer some questions and are certained about being correct. Reflecting when I was only 17, first time having pop test, it was terrible, and continously my results for jeffrey’s pop tests were never a ‘P’, they were always a ‘F’. But these two modules, I have no idea why i could start to remember some facts, I’m kinda of happy yet not proud, I know i can do better. But sad to say, next module on Emptiness is going to be our last module. I’m sad, where else can I continue to my studies on Buddhism? I know i can always approach Jeffrey for any question, but i need a lesson, proper lesson, where there is spirtual friends to discuss about interesting topics, to joke around, debating and dinner after lessons, where we share our personal experiences and problems. I’m gonna miss all these.

Jianhong, MaryJane(MJ), Szeyeng and I sat down at MOS burger, thinking about a common problem to solve. Everyone of us, thought of quitting as teacher in pksss. oh shit! HOW? First was I, then Ren told me, Jianhong, Bryan and her also thought of leaving. Then Szeyeng and MJ said they actually have some thoughts of it too. Oh man! all the young teachers are leaving… My reasons are that I find that I’m kinda restless in teaching, find not much time next year sure will i be busy with FYP(Final Year Project) and I’m kinda of wanting to get out of Mahayana’s chanting group… It’s been 4 years since I graduated in 2004, lst year I was doing my ‘O’s, only on the 2nd year did I went into Mahayana’s chanting group then I continued till now. On the following 2 years, I went into teaching primary six till now. I’m kinda tired of those kids, can’t really benefit them much from my own experiences, so i decided i shall stop for a year perhap? Having to know that my other friends also want to give a break in teaching, I guess it’s going to be a chaos. 

Back to Jeffrey’s lesson, which is going to end this year, I think i have to start going to ABC for lesson, start from this friday, on the topic of Seven point of cause and effect, think will be interesting. And Szeyeng suggests that even after Jeffrey’s lesson ends, we shall come together every sunday to have some spirtual practises, may it be prostration, prayer session, debating, meditation or a discussion will be good. I hope they mean this to be serious.  

And recently, I have been thinking and I think I want to spend more time in Buddhism, to be more spirtually developed. Couple of incidents, make me realise that it’s time to wake up, have been too lazy in prayer, studying Buddhism, can’t even stay still to read the Lam Rim Chen Mo book for even an hour. I need to start practising on reading. After all, I’m more blessed than many people in the world out them who doesnt know about Buddhism. I should be grateful that I have the chance to learn Dharma for the past decade, to know what is 4 Noble Truth, Noble Eightfold path, 6 perfections and many more. There is so much for me to learn and remember, i cannot let myself to stop here, I must continue, and lead myself to greater depth of Buddhism, to actualise the truth.

Let it go, Let move on…

我知道我变漂亮了 – 《一切完美》主题曲
詞/曲：石欣卉
製作：陳達偉

过去的批评嘲讽 Let it go Let it go
过去的轻蔑冷落 Let it go Let it go
有些人口不饶人 却忘了瞧瞧自己
又有什么资格

时刻都善良待人 Let’s move on Let’s move on
时刻都做好本分 Let’s move on Let’s move on
有些人心思浅薄 绝不是宽容
自暴自弃的理由

也许 确实也受过言语打击
也许 因此而失去了自信心
但千万别将勇气深锁在阴影里
我们又不会妨碍这世界（的）美丽

我知道我变漂亮了
我知道我被注意了
曾难过 失落
微笑一下就过
外在的美貌容易戳破
内在的美好细水长流

我知道我变漂亮了
我知道我也豁达了
不自卑 不埋怨
就算还差一点点
用内涵弥补一切缺陷
内在的美 迷住每个人的眼

a toad’s nightmare.

Few days back, I have a few nightmares, one of it was about toad. I guess is because among so many animals, I don’t like any toad or frog at all, I guessed is because I always think that it was very eerie for them to sing and they can jump on you. And toads and frogs appear on raining days on muddy rainpour on the ground. Rainy days? Toads? Frogs? Singing? oh gosh. super gross… Anyway, so the dream was about…. One day, I was searching among my old bag, and found a toad in a plastic bag filled with fluids, I guessed the fluid is vomit. So luckily, it was tied up. Then in the dream, I mentioned say that the plastic bag has been my bag for two years, without anyone using it. So how could a frog survived in a plastic bag without eating? someone from my dream popped this question, and I answered, I guessed the toad survived by eating the vomit? I THINK I’M DAMN WEIRD! DAMN DISGUISING CAN! ERRRR….  Then best part of the nightmare comes…. Suddenly the plastic bag was untied, and I dropped it, and so the toad jumped out and started to sing some English song!!!!! GROSS CAN! I HATE IMAGINING TOAD OR FROG SINGING! ARH!!! WORSE NIGHTMARE EVER. This nightmare is even worse that the psychotic murder nightmare.

calling out for a MENLY- BROTHER!

My brother asked me why the girl in the television show cried over a crashed piece of art that she obviously make for her secret admirer, I taught him something, whatever he seen on my second sis and me is an adnormal side of a girl, please think that a girl is always weak, need guy’s to protect. Seriously, I don’t wish my brother to think that girls outside are all like me, rough, unreasonable and need no guy to protect. I scared he will turn gay or ah gua! LOL. My brother needs to be a MEN!, a real MEN! But my this brother, though adorable , still need some tailor-made lesson for him to learn. Though last year he scored highest in his Buddhism’s studies among his level’s people, nonetheless I’m not proud of it, caused his action tells me that he has not put buddhism into practise. But never mind, he needs time, he is still in a confuse age. I’ve been through.

SKYDIVING!

I watched Biao biao’s Tandem Jump video at Prague, Czech Republic, wow that boy is seriously enjoying himself. I envy his life, to do Skydiving! I WANT THAT TOO! His skydiving’s video was hilarious, when he just out of the plane, he was swimming and his facial expression was really compressed due to the gravity force. I was laughing in front of the computer! Renhui, if you better go watch, super funny.  Haha, I think that is just only a small kick at his start of his new life, new environment. His blog has been made private and he made me one of his privileged person to read, how nice. So as to let me caught him type these words: ’seriously I nv really missed SG that much’. Arh Goh Bia Yong, never will I say you’re lonely already, in your loneliness you find some excitement in your life already. Hahas, happy for him though.

subway makes me happy.

I went to eat Subway veggie patty with Jia Ying yesterday evening, it was delicious with cheese! That’s the best part, without the cheese, the veggie patty won’t be so yummy. Next round, try the egg mayo! hahas. can’t wait, may be this sunday i’ll eat that, for tomorrow I’ve Auntie Shirley’s chicken rice! Favourite too! Can’t wait for sunday pot luck picnic at Mount Faber!

i need a break.

My mood is still kinda of not very good. Today I nearly breakdown, felt so stress out in school, thought of telling KB how I feel, but in the end I choose not to. I think I’ll start whinning over again and again. I should cease whinning. I guess time can help to heal. For now, I really need a break. Friends, if I’m too whinning, let me know, if I’m too talkative, don’t stop me cover your ears, cause i need to use up my energy, if you can’t stand me, just go, I wouldn’t stop you.

I went out with Ren, Ang, Yao, MJ, my sis and renee, to watch ‘Red Cliff’, it was an excellent movie and I can’t wait for the next part of the movie that will be coming out soon, I hope. Felt better being with my buddhist’s friends, where there’s no stress, no conflict only how to help each other to become more happier person. Thanks people. Red Cliff is an interesting movie, where I got to be interested in Romance of the 3 kingdom, though it only a chapter of it, it’s enough to excite me to continue to know more about it. haha.

Protected: a new morning.

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Backstabber is my new name.

For what has happened, I don’t wish to explain to anyone I guess no one can understand why I leave the decision to my group mates. Words spread really very fast, I can see it in everyone’s eyes. Everyone is giving me all the ‘backstabber’s eyes’ as if I deserve it. I questioned myself many times, through and through. I know why they’re behaving like this, and why everyone is looking at me like this, I don’t blame them. Close friends tell me don’t blame myself, but I can’t help it. I keep thinking whether if I were the one that talk to Ann, will this ever happen? Will I not be blame? Of course, I wish that I wouldn’t be blame, but I came to a conclusion that even if I talk to Ann, yes maybe she might not as angry as she is now, but she will sure blame Jiahong, Kevin and Shihui. Then I guess I’ll feel even more worse than now, I would feel that I’m really a bitch, a backstabber. I so wish that if I’m not in a group, I would leave and let Ann they all, least if ever I would to regret, I would blame only myself. Stress is really I give it to myself, I could choose to ignore them, but I can’t help to think it’s entirely my fault, why didnt I tell them we’re not confirm. My reputation in LOM really no need to say already, forget it yushu. You’re just another bitch in LOM! Like what Aaron says, even a guy tells me I’m a bitch, what else to say. Who can understand the stress I’m facing? All will tell me I’m thinking too much, but if you were in my shoes, maybe then you will understand what I mean. I cant hack care like Kevin, like Jiahong I can’t. I don’t know what I’m writing now, so messy, so confused.